Removing A Wall, Opens A Window

A complex personality or person with set in stone relationship conditions must be hard to live with. There’s no corner you can’t turn without having to ponder the consequence of the action & analyse the multiple scenarios playing out in your mind of what could happen, why & whether you choose to proceed... all within split seconds of making the choice. These decisions can be anything from which restaurant to dine at, which friend to see, should I do this or should I do that etc. I have had an abundance of boundaries, which I have imposed on the other half at one time or another, which leads to my current point of thinking.

What right does anyone have to force another person to do something or not?
When did it become okay to impose guilt for doing something they are (by rights) entitled to do?

The last 2 months I have been alone have been equally lonely, but also a god send. It is not often in a relationship that you can have ‘time-out’ to challenge inhibitions & work towards correcting out-standing issues or problems, which we have carried around since childhood or adolescence. In most couples this would be separation. In my case it’s the other half doing something I want them to do in order to gain the most experience from life. That could sound like there was ulterior motives in getting the ‘time-out’, however it was simply setting goals of what I wanted to achieve during this alone time.

I have had the advantage of death in the family recently which gave me the opportunity to challenge the somewhat ambiguous feelings towards members of my family which have been buried for many years. My core internal programming has proven that I am extremely difficult at forgiving people & 100% useless at forgetting what I’m forgiving. This is in most cases to my own detriment. I find it excruciating to avoid cutting people off which is nearly always impossible when it is members of your own family. But, all it takes is a single death to thrust me back into the ‘hell dimension’ I had fought to stay out of for so long. Co-incidently I found that my perception or memories prior to leaving the country were in the present day environment irrelevant, I actually missed family members & after challenging myself by confronting them, felt a certain peace within when the relationship was re-established. There was a specific member I chose not to reconcile with, purely because it was a relationship not worth saving & I feel no animosity towards them anymore, more like they are just a waste of space.

Another benefit of this time apart, is I feel like I am re-learning who I am. Being with the other half for so long & submerged in their life has without a doubt hindered or halted my own development. This is in no way a negative reflection on them it is more on myself, for not keeping myself on track or voicing what was trying to come out on the inside. Trying to remember what I used to do on weekends or what I liked prior to being in a relationship left me stumped for answers. I felt like I had forgotten who I was before who I am now. I’m sure this is common in long term relationships, where you are surrounded by each-other for so long that you end up living 1 life. It’s recommended by marriage counsellors each individual needs at least 1 day a week to do whatever they want alone. Maintaining external relationships is vital also, it helps keep the mind open to what’s happening outside of your own world. I admit that I have been atrocious at keeping contact with my best friend & need to become more diligent in keeping coffee dates or catch-up’s. I also believe that friendships do sometimes need to be kept separate. A mutual friend between yourself & your partner is excellent, though everyone needs friends that are theirs alone. You should never expect to have the same friendships you have with any of your other half’s friends.

A lot of time has been spent contemplating the meaning of monogamy or the definition of cheating. I perceive this to be one of my greatest flaws since cheating or infidelities I have been never able to forgive or forget. I felt a great deal of anger towards having it done to myself, which I lashed out at the culprit, now I see was unjust & on my part naive, but I can’t blame myself since at the time, I truly believed I could feel no other way, which is amusing when I remember a discussion we had early in the relationship where we agreed it would be okay provided whoever the indiscretion was with, was good looking so it would be justified. Everybody slips whether they are intentional or victims of circumstance. I find alcohol plays a very high factor in most cases, which I’m sure most people agree with. Society’s teachings or restrictions are lowered under the influence & primal instincts are heightened. My definition or grounding for my understanding of cheating, has always led back to my parents indiscretions. Whether I feel that if the cheating hadn’t happened my parents may be still together is completely inconsequential. I have had an open mind when it comes to sexual activity, which is odd when coupled with a contrary belief, but upon challenging my interpretation of infidelities seems to be completing a 180. No longer do I see one night stands or sex as being grounds to destroy a relationship or imposing endless amounts of guilt on another individual. A relationship is built on the lives together, sex in a relationship is the joining of love, whereas an indiscretion appears to be no more than sex as a result of lust or quite simply, fulfilling a sexual urge, hardly enough to jump up and down over, even considering you don’t own the other person’s body do you?

I can’t say it’s been easy trying to destroy my beliefs but it has been a necessary evil to relinquish them in order to expand my mind. Hours have been spent in meditation contemplating feelings, how & why I feel a particular way & then breaking down those feelings or beliefs. The less restrictions you have, the easier life is & the more at peace you are within yourself. Buddhism has given me strength to face issues, one being in relation to the above & how the mind is separate from the body. It teaches how the path to enlightenment cannot be achieved without the activity of sexual satisfaction/gratification. Teachings also have references similar to the Romans, who lets say, created the concept of orgies & flamboyantly sexual escapades. In a large number of cultures today, multiple partners is a cultural norm, as is extra-relationship sexual activity.

Does this mean I will not do something if the other half of the relationship disagrees? I don’t think so, since I know I do not have any right to stop them from doing anything they want to do. Being in a relationship does not mean you can dictate or force the other party to do what you want. Especially in the situation now where distance keeps any form of physical contact a total impossibility. I would like to think that I am open to the other half finding sexual satisfaction by any means possible, as I would like to think they would think the same in return. This is not to say, that anything would happen, it’s a new understanding & ability to be as open as possible should any indiscretion occur, which is important to keeping the relationship firmly on the ground. Whether the other half thinks the same is unknown, however this is my current way of thinking. As you can see, this goes against my previous belief’s, and the other half is probably dumb founded and wondering where ‘Boo’ has gone & who’s this imposter impersonating me. But all that needs to be done is remember who I was when we 1st met, and similarities will present themselves.

I have become somewhat addicted to challenging myself & my beliefs and will not stop from doing something just because my current programming contradicts the action, no matter what the action may be. How can we progress mentally if we do not think outside the box? How can you say you have wisdom, if you have not tried everything life has to offer? This is the exact reason why I have set myself challenges to break down the walls & become the person I know I want to be on the inside.

The robot inside does not show emotion, a fatal flaw that reared its ugly head in February when I choose to attack myself because the pain could not come out in words. I took another step in the right direction, by admitting to close friends, those I would call extended family, the true nature of the scars on my arm. I am not a serial cutter, as that sounds. Once in my life, to avoid hurting others, I saw no other option but to inflict it on myself. This was my wake up call, and also the instigator of the set of challenges I am now completing. It may seem trivial to some this action of telling people what the cause was, why it was done or how I felt doing it, but I felt like I was lying to them by not telling them. Putting aside my pride or shame was the challenge & with help from chris passing the scotch/whiskey, I felt entirely at ease relaying the story & eerily happy once it was out in the open. Just like the saying, ‘a weight had been lifted’.

I am growing long past caring how people think of me, or what their opinions are of me. By whatever actions I take or what my beliefs are, I am aiming to be true to myself. Too many are forced to follow the rules or laws of society. Of course, laws are in place for a reason; however the real pressure is always the rules of society. Rules have changed and will continue to change through the ages, so why are we so bound to follow the rules of today?

My next challenge will undoubtedly be something that makes the above seem a insignificant course of action. Until then, I aim to not be a robot & express myself as honestly as possible. (love you boo).